Right in the Pride

This is not a sad story. I want you to know that before reading on. This, like everything else I have written thus far, is a journal of what I am thinking and feeling in this moment about my time in Madrid. Here I go.

Here's something you may not know about me (but if you have known me more than 10 minutes you most likely do): I struggle with pride. No, that's not right. Pride and I get along just fine. It's HUMILITY that I have a problem with. "Well, YEAH we all knew that! What does this have to do with you being in Spain?!" You may ask me (to yourself). Well, geez gimme the chance to tell you!

The language barrier is larger than I could have ever imagined. When I attempt to speak Spanish, some people just look at me as if I am a fish out of water (exactly what I feel like). And in my head, I'm screaming, "You know what I mean!!!!!" And I know that they do because usually they correct my Spanish. I HATE being corrected (remember the pride thing?) I always have. I know this is a folly. So when I get corrected, I fight my flesh, smile and say, "Thank you." This was going so well... for the first week. Now I'm entering week 3 and every time I get corrected, I want to pull my hair out. I want to tell people that I am a competent human being, I promise! If you let me speak in English, I'll show you!

It's a strange feeling, being reduced to little more than a 3rd grade level in a language. This is especially strange for me because all of my life I have been praised for being articulate and for having a command of the English language. I did not know how much of an area of pride this was for me. I guess from an outside perspective, this could seem like a really good thing. I am being purged of unnecessary and destructive pride. Okay. I can deal with that. My next question is, how do I deal with all of this? With a sense of loss, with a feeling of being stripped to the bare-minimum, with being humbled?

If you have any suggestions, I will gladly receive them. If not, we'll just have to see what God does.

Humbly Yours (lol),

Jessyka Starr